Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
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