Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
well he has a gf so if he picks me up tonight i'll only him finger me
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize