I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
