I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Randomize
