at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
