So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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