So she puts out... but it wasn't worth it
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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