just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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