It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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