I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
