I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
