someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Randomize
