Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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