You're my little dorito
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
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