Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
