dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"
I forgot about that,good spring break.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
me + whiskey = a bad person
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Randomize
