I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
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