I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
