It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
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