After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I'm having to shit out rocks
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