last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
