I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
It was like giving head to a cactus.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
Randomize
