question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
