I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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