Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Randomize
