my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
