I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
We are two peas in an std pod
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize