I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Ketchup is God's man juice
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
The glockenspiel player has some booze though so hopefully the ride won't be that bad
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
