I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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