Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
home. puking in laundry basket.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
not ubering you a puppy
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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