im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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