i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
She has the best kind of daddy issues
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Never underestimate the power of titties
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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