I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
