Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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