Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Randomize
