there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
