you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Randomize
