I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
