So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Randomize
