The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
