We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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