I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
