ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
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