I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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