i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
