You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Randomize
