he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
