so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Also, do you have any insight as to WHY I have a note saved from the 17th of June that reads *clears throat*, "you got that swanky blues libido"
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Randomize
