he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
all i remember is arguing with the chick that yahoo was better than google
all you were doing was yelling YAHOOOOO in her face
so i won
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