I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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