I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
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