I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
Randomize
