I should be sponsored by Trojan
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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