69 |D_O
wtf does that mean??
it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
