He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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