A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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