i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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