Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
Randomize
