No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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