He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
