Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
You are a genius and a whore.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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